Mental Illness - Mood Disorders
I have been set upon this earth for reasons unknown to me.
I have not accomplished anything remarkable.
I have not fostered any friendships.
I am separated from my family - geographically and emotionally.
My illness has done this.
I grew up knowing my parents didn't care. This has ruined my entire life as I have been trying to find love anywhere I can.
This search always ended in failure. I found people who were not caring, yet, I clung to them for human companionship.
I have lived my entire life suffering from depression - it just wont go away. Some days its tolerable, other days its so unbearable I totally wish I were dead.
I tried that route a couple times or 10... never quite worked... maybe secretly I want to live, dunno.
Well, I do know. I wish I was not here anymore. But I am afraid of what hell I might put my son through. He and his family are the only people in the world I care about - leaving.
I was told it was a selfish act, by those who didn't allow me into their lives yet professed how they would miss me if I accomplished my deadly deed.
I have spent my life losing people. Moving so much as a child I never made any long terms friends, so when we moved I just made the people I missed dead. I pretended they were dead because I knew I'd never see or hear from them again.. I have figuratively killed hundreds of people. I am a mental serial killer.
This became true for the rest of my life. In all my failed relationships, romantic, or friendly, when they were gone from my life - they were dead.
So death is just a permanent separation - something I have dealt with my entire life.
I don't understand why they want me on this earth yet ignore me daily?? Makes no sense.
From the beginning I have had no special love from anyone. Until I had my baby boy - It seemed to complete me. Finally, my world was complete.
For the first few years things were so good. But people started leaving again. My husband just disappeared. here today gone tomorrow. He left his son and me wondering what the hell happened.
So another important person has abandoned me. No parents, no husband. I must be a failure to make such important people not care about me.
After this it seemed everyone I met had a reason to be my friend. Most were there for the free ride. I was a terrible judge of character and always saw life through rosy coloured glasses.. the deceitful people pulled the wool over my eyes every time.
Since my husband left us, I have never found a person I could trust that wished to be involved with me. They all - over time - showed their true colours and left after getting out of me what ever it was they wanted.
Today, my illness makes it so I cant work and I live alone and associate with no one. I must try to exist on the meager pittance that welfare provides. Most of the time I don't have enough to eat. This is my future. For the rest of my life I will never change from where I am.
Isolated, abandoned, depressed and poor.
I find life worthless.
